From The Office Of The Commander In Chief, Chancellor, Head of State And Government And Every Little Thing That Dares To Move In Zimbabwe.

17 May 2010

State House
Harare
Zimbabwe

Hon. David Cameron MP
Downing Street
Whitehall
London

Dear Dhivha,

I’m sure you will not find it presumptuous of one to call you by your name. I have been following your campaign for so long that I feel I know you quite intimately.

Maybe I ought to rephrase that – not in the Tony Blair gay gangster way you understand…After all, you and I have something in common. We both have young, beautiful wives and that perishes that nasty thought – I beat you to it on this, mine is young enough to be my great grand daughter.

Though quite how you and Nick managed to campaign and score at home at the same time beats me. It must be some new fangled vitamins and what not. I’m usually worn out totally after a day on the campaign trail in my executive military choppers that I have to sleep it off and I want nothing to do with that overactive young filly, Pfizer’s riser notwithstanding. Too much information, I think, especially on a first date so I’ll leave it at that hard point.

Congratulations to you and may I let you in on a little secret. I was wringing my hands with all of your supporters here as the votes came in, though quite how you would do something as foolish as allow all your results to come in within 24 hours of voting for 650 constituencies fails to make sense to me..

In my last election, I took all of one month to go through 120 odd seats. Perhaps now that you have the whip hand, I can show you how an election is run. I was listening intently to your itinerary and I must say I am miffed that my delightful country is nowhere near your first ports of call.

I can assure you, I can get down as well as any of your young age mates Barack, Dmitry and Nikolas, so don’t put it off too long.

Now that you are safely ensconced within Number 10 (remember to change it to Number 1), I think you will take care not to go the way of that overactive warmonger Tony and his lugubrious bloodhound Gordon. Those two had no respect, I tell you.

I have spent the last decade yearning, nay pining, for a return to power of the dear old Tory party. After all, we became quite acquainted during the days of the Lancaster House conference. You were just out of your nappies then David but this is important history, especially if you want peace between our historic nations. There is nothing like a proud history to unite great nations.

Speaking of history, I could go on and on about the nice teas in the Rose Garden with dear old John (Mr Major to you). I particularly recall his famous “Put up or shut up” statement when the pesky William Hague was trying to unseat him.

My ever vigilant Press Secretary has just informed me Hague is now your Foreign Secretary so I will ask the ever eager young George Charamba – I’m sure you have heard of him, he’s quite famous for his hanging sentences…to put in a word to dear old William and tell him I forgive him for weakening the party and allowing big eared Tony to sweep into power.

If this hadn’t happened, your party would have funded our well planned land reform programme and we all would still be bosom buddies- again, not in the Tony Blair g** g**gstar way (edited by Press Secretary in the interests of world peace and safe visits to London, pass my apologies to Peter Tatchell- GC).

Speaking of which, I’d really like to know what your plans are on this land reform matter. I know you were toddling around in expensive schools at the time we came back from the war but when you take over a country you take over everything, including the promises of Tory regimes past.

Let me know as soon as you can because, between you and me, the primitive lot I pushed onto the productive lands has wreaked havoc. They only produce loads of weeds and smoke from veld fire as they hunt mice- which are a delicacy I may add- I sometimes have them for supper, blended into anonymity in my beef stroganoff. If I can’t get these farms going again my impeccable, revolutionary legacy is in serious danger of being tarnished.

I am enclosing an offer letter and a 99 year lease for some prime land in the Zambezi Valley for you and the delectable Sam. (I must admit, that name had me thinking for a moment you were in league with Tony…but happily I was wrong.)

Your rapid response will be met with a major welcome at an ash-free Harare International by the women’s league led by our delightful Maggie Dongo. I’m afraid you will have to leave Sam at home for this one.

Till I hear from you,

Yours Sincerely

You can call me Bob, and no, I’m not your uncle.