From The Office Of The Commander In Chief, Chancellor, Head of State And Government And Every Little Thing That Dares To Move In Zimbabwe.<\/p>\n
17 May 2010<\/p>\n
State House
\nHarare
\nZimbabwe<\/p>\n
Hon. David Cameron MP
\nDowning Street
\nWhitehall
\nLondon<\/p>\n
Dear Dhivha,<\/p>\n
I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m sure you will not find it presumptuous of one to call you by your name. I have been following your campaign for so long that I feel I know you quite intimately.<\/p>\n
Maybe I ought to rephrase that \u00e2\u20ac\u201c not in the Tony Blair gay gangster way you understand\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6After all, you and I have something in common. We both have young, beautiful wives and that perishes that nasty thought \u00e2\u20ac\u201c I beat you to it on this, mine is young enough to be my great grand daughter.<\/p>\n
Though quite how you and Nick managed to campaign and score at home at the same time beats me. It must be some new fangled vitamins and what not. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m usually worn out totally after a day on the campaign trail in my executive military choppers that I have to sleep it off and I want nothing to do with that overactive young filly, Pfizer\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s riser notwithstanding. Too much information, I think, especially on a first date so I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll leave it at that hard point.<\/p>\n
Congratulations to you and may I let you in on a little secret. I was wringing my hands with all of your supporters here as the votes came in, though quite how you would do something as foolish as allow all your results to come in within 24 hours of voting for 650 constituencies fails to make sense to me..<\/p>\n
In my last election, I took all of one month to go through 120 odd seats. Perhaps now that you have the whip hand, I can show you how an election is run. I was listening intently to your itinerary and I must say I am miffed that my delightful country is nowhere near your first ports of call.<\/p>\n
I can assure you, I can get down as well as any of your young age mates Barack, Dmitry and Nikolas, so don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t put it off too long.<\/p>\n
Now that you are safely ensconced within Number 10 (remember to change it to Number 1), I think you will take care not to go the way of that overactive warmonger Tony and his lugubrious bloodhound Gordon. Those two had no respect, I tell you.<\/p>\n
I have spent the last decade yearning, nay pining, for a return to power of the dear old Tory party. After all, we became quite acquainted during the days of the Lancaster House conference. You were just out of your nappies then David but this is important history, especially if you want peace between our historic nations. There is nothing like a proud history to unite great nations.<\/p>\n
Speaking of history, I could go on and on about the nice teas in the Rose Garden with dear old John (Mr Major to you). I particularly recall his famous \u00e2\u20ac\u0153Put up or shut up\u00e2\u20ac\u009d statement when the pesky William Hague was trying to unseat him.<\/p>\n
My ever vigilant Press Secretary has just informed me Hague is now your Foreign Secretary so I will ask the ever eager young George Charamba \u00e2\u20ac\u201c I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m sure you have heard of him, he\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s quite famous for his hanging sentences\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6to put in a word to dear old William and tell him I forgive him for weakening the party and allowing big eared Tony to sweep into power.<\/p>\n
If this hadn\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t happened, your party would have funded our well planned land reform programme and we all would still be bosom buddies- again, not in the Tony Blair g** g**gstar way (edited by Press Secretary in the interests of world peace and safe visits to London, pass my apologies to Peter Tatchell- GC).<\/p>\n
Speaking of which, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122d really like to know what your plans are on this land reform matter. I know you were toddling around in expensive schools at the time we came back from the war but when you take over a country you take over everything, including the promises of Tory regimes past.<\/p>\n
Let me know as soon as you can because, between you and me, the primitive lot I pushed onto the productive lands has wreaked havoc. They only produce loads of weeds and smoke from veld fire as they hunt mice- which are a delicacy I may add- I sometimes have them for supper, blended into anonymity in my beef stroganoff. If I can\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t get these farms going again my impeccable, revolutionary legacy is in serious danger of being tarnished.<\/p>\n
I am enclosing an offer letter and a 99 year lease for some prime land in the Zambezi Valley for you and the delectable Sam. (I must admit, that name had me thinking for a moment you were in league with Tony\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6but happily I was wrong.)<\/p>\n
Your rapid response will be met with a major welcome at an ash-free Harare International by the women\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s league led by our delightful Maggie Dongo. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m afraid you will have to leave Sam at home for this one.<\/p>\n
Till I hear from you,<\/p>\n
Yours Sincerely<\/p>\n
You can call me Bob, and no, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m not your uncle.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
From The Office Of The Commander In Chief, Chancellor, Head of State And Government And Every Little Thing That Dares To Move In Zimbabwe. 17 May 2010 State House Harare Zimbabwe Hon. David Cameron MP Downing Street Whitehall London Dear Dhivha, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m sure you will not find it presumptuous of one to call you by […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[4],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/loades.net\/megabusblog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/437"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/loades.net\/megabusblog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/loades.net\/megabusblog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/loades.net\/megabusblog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/loades.net\/megabusblog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=437"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"http:\/\/loades.net\/megabusblog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/437\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":439,"href":"http:\/\/loades.net\/megabusblog\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/437\/revisions\/439"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/loades.net\/megabusblog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=437"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/loades.net\/megabusblog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=437"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/loades.net\/megabusblog\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=437"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}